- May 2, 2015 at 7:18 pm #8750
I am looking for a list of examples or suggestions, even some advice, on how to control my submissive when we are apart. I also need to be able to punish her from a distance if she breaks the rules.
I have in place a punishment point system which as points are accumulated physical punishments are dealt when we meet. The more points the harder the punishments but I don’t think that’s enough. I need to punish her more than just awarding a point which won’t be actioned in some cases for a week or two.
Any advice would be appreciated but what I am really looking for is examples or a good old fashioned list of punishments for long distances D/s relationships.
- May 3, 2015 at 12:03 pm #8779JasperParticipantBasic | Dominant
Long distance itself is hard and adding D/s is even harder but worth it. Because you can’t physically be with her to do as you will all the time,give her tasks so action is not only happening every week or two when you do meet. You can give her both daily and weekly tasks but they must be reasonable. This means you have to know her schedule so you are certain she can complete the tasks. Do not set her up for failure. Tasks can be of a sexual nature or not. Training can even happen within the long distance relationship, an example can be edging. Make her edge herself before bed once every night. This is an example of how I laid out daily and weekly tasks when I was in a long distanced D/s relationship:
Monday: Edging practice-edge yourself 5 times today. You are not allowed to cum
Tuesday: Anal- pleasure yourself anally with 2 toys of your choice. You may cum once.
Wednesday: Chores- do all outstanding chores that you have.
Thursday: Self Esteem- you are to kneel in front of a mirror looking at yourself for 5 minutes,after, find 5 things you love about yourself and text them to me.
Friday: Dress up- you are to find some thing sexy to wear to our playtime tonight.
Saturday: Dirty talking- when I call you today, wherever you are, you have 3 minutes to dirty talk and try to turn me on. Failure to do this means you will be punished later on.
Sunday: Downtime- I expect you to find an hour outside of our usual Skype time to call me so we can talk. Give me 5 minutes notice before you do.
(September 9th-15th 2013)
Research canes and caning and decide on one you are interested in. You have by the 15th to relate back to me what you have found on this topic.
Daily tasks can vary every week meaning the order or the types of tasks. Having the same tasks every week makes it boring. If for weekly tasks, you assign research, it means you have to do the research too as otherwise it doesn’t really make sense.
In my opinion, waiting a week or two to administer a punishment is not effective. Firstly, you have to trust that your sub will tell you when she has done something wrong. Time together when you are long distance especially with time zones is precious. Taking an hour away from the usual amount of time you spend together is effective. Spanking herself is humiliating as well as hurtful. Stern talking to, not texting but Skype where she can see your disappointment. Lines, cancelled playtime, orgasm denial, corner time are good ones as well. However, it is very easy for her to not do as you said especially with you not being physically there to ensure that she is doing like you said. Again you have to trust her and know that she will follow through as it is awkward to kneel in a corner by yourself with no one around. It can be tempting to not do it as it may seem silly.
Sending pictures is a common thing to do and although it is sexy, doing it too often becomes unsexy. Self bondage is something you can do long distance. I did include that regularly in weekly tasks and have her demonstrate for me what she learned and later included it in our playtime.
Best of luck,
- May 4, 2015 at 1:02 pm #8803Mr.redParticipantBasic | Dominant
i work on the rigs so im gone 2 weeks at a time so ive had to be creative in the punishment but everyone of them is to teach a lesson and in some way build on the core values of the relationship.
whether it will be to kneel on rice for 10 minutes then text me a picture of her knees afterwards or have her write an essay or story.
others will be ones i cant get immediate proof of all i can do is trust her in the punishment. not because i dont care cause i do care but to keep building that trust and communication. it takes a great deal of trust to administer a punishment without the proof and know it was honored. but also i dont punishment much unless i feeli have been really displeased. most times just stating im not happy with her choice is enough to make a meaningful mark. not everythingh has to be physical. the mental can hurt just as much and in some ways more rewarding to the dynamic than a picture of “insert word here” on her chest in the mirror.
just my two cents
- May 5, 2015 at 7:41 am #8807
Thank you Jasper and Mr Red for your informative responses.
I am gradually getting my head around this 24/7 D/s. I got lucky to be honest, I found a ridiculously hot woman who is a true psychological submissive. I know she performs the tasks I ask and the punishments as well. I know all she wants to do is give up control and please her Sir. Our play sessions are everything I dreamed off but never expected to happen, I guess “careful what you wish for…. ” comes to mind.
I just need to decide if this is what I truly want as my experience has only been with session only submissives.
I have another question that I will ask in separate post.
- May 6, 2015 at 12:29 am #8885
I offer my opinions only as there are many examples of LDR’s and my opinions most likely vary.
When a submissive does something that warrants a punishment she is already punishing herself psychologically before you have an opportunity to express your disappointment. A submissive’s real punishment is the fact that she has disappointed you. However, there are times when punishments are warranted… Punishments need to be dealt with expeditiously, forgiven and forgotten.
When a punishment is over it is over…
The point system that you have developed is very creative but I believe that your submissive, once she has done something that warrants punishment, will never psychologically recover as the points begin to accumulate. The tally of points will simply become a reminder of how she is failing you.
D/s needs to feed both the Dominant and the submissive….
- May 6, 2015 at 4:03 am #8941
Thank you for your response Mr Fox. Everything you say echoes with what I have been reading.
My submissive is a bit of a gamer. I suggested a point system, a Reward and Punishment point system, and she loved the ideas. She started to accumulate the Reward points rather quickly. Happy sub!
Then during one of our open discussions she told me I wasn’t being strict enough with the rules.
The moment I decided to go all “serious strict Dom”, which is a stretch for me as a laid back guy who’s always smiling and laughing, she started to accumulating Punishment points. Now she has more of those than Reward points.
She wanted this and that is why I’m having a difficult time wrapping my head around the 24/7 side of things.
For the record, our BDSM sessions are mind blowing so we’re covered in that department. The question is can I give her the rest when I don’t even understand it?
- May 6, 2015 at 11:48 am #8943
The question is can I give her the rest when I don’t even understand it?
Of course you can…
There is no benefit to rushing into something that you do not fully understand, in fact, I am sure that you can see the risk involved in such a behavior.
Take your time and set a solid foundation.
- May 6, 2015 at 2:25 pm #8950sirParticipantBasic | Dominant
I to in the past have set up an incentive charts. When setting something up as you have mentioned, it is best to lay everything out on the table. The last thing you want is a positive to turn into a negitave. Believe me this can easily happened if the rewards are not set up properly, the punishments are not consistent, your expectations are not layed out properly and time is not taken to fill in the chart.
I have personally done a few incentive charts and still do. I personally will sit down with MLT and put it together with her. This way she knows everything and she will also add to it, because there is always something that I missed to add or have not taken into consideration.
Do not let her choose her punishments, but discuss with her the punishment that fits the crime and have her agree to the punishment. Depending on the punishments and your dynamic punishments should be given at time of infraction. Have her choice her own rewards, as long as they are not excessive.
We make it a ritual every night to fill in the chart and discuss the events and her rewards. The whole point of a incentive chart is to make her chores/training fun. Don’t set her up to fail, EVER!
- May 6, 2015 at 4:00 pm #8957
I do not have an incentive chart but can see that this instrument could have value to some. These types of scenarios should be your submissive’s success and making her feel good about herself. I consider this type of training as positive reinforcement…
The punishment point system scenario, however, I would offer caution to anyone using it in a long term relationship as I do not see it as producing positive results long term. It is a continue running list of your submissives failures.
I liked your quote about “the punishment should fit the crime”…
If the punishment were administered after several infractions each infraction being completely different from the other there is no way that the punishment would truly fit the crime… Maybe the severity does but not the punishment.
- May 6, 2015 at 9:16 pm #8964sirParticipantBasic | Dominant
I agree, “positive reinforcement”.
I would like to state that my incentive charts did not have a punishment. The punishment was simply her not getting the reward.
Every week the chart was whipped clean of points and she would start again. In my charts she was trying to accumulate glass diamonds. Each reward was worth X amount of diamonds. Eg. 10 BJ’s a week was worth a diamond. If she only asked for 9, she did not get the diamond. It was up to her to earn the diamonds, meaning she would ask to give a Bj. In my chart I had 10 things we agreed on that where either her soft limits, I wanted to expand, or things she and I wanted to train on. It was up to MLT to ask to do these things to be rewarded with diamonds. MLT then would cash in her diamonds for rewards eg. Hot rock massage.
I will try and post a few ideas in the near future.
Best regards Sir
- May 10, 2015 at 12:27 pm #9026AnonymousInactive
Well fellow HusDoms, I return from a week’s sailing around Sardinia and Corsica without my mrsW, having left daily instructions in preprogrammed emails. What could go wrong? Actually, not much I’m pleased to say! Although, there’s always room for improvement and this sits in the boxed marked, ‘attention to detail.’ Whilst I spent time building up my daily instructions, I focused more on the continuity and not the detailed specifics that would normally get sorted face to face. Example; “kneel on the bed naked, facing the window, close your eyes and breathe from the bottom of your lungs up and from the top down, slowly.”
I appreciate that those amongst us who keep a watching eye in the form of Moderators and of course Mr. Fox, will be well ahead in spotting the error of my ways.
During our downtime on my return, which I admit should have been instigated by me and not her, I discovered some flaws with my plan. If, dear reader, you take my instructions to my sub as detailed above, there a number of questions that could have been asked. “How should she have held her head, up or down? Where should her hands be placed? How long should she do it for and when? What should she be thinking of?” Now, that’s an easy set of questions for ME to answer because the concept is I my head, but not her’s.
Now I’m not going to beat myself up over this as it was a learning experience and the general concept was well executed, however, some fine tuning would be required if it happened again.
I did however, make one massive error. One task set was for to wear a butt plug to work. It was ordered and arrived as planned after my departure. It was advertised for daily wear, discrete and made to a high standard ( suggested by a fellow Dom). When I read the bit about ‘daily wear’ I was comfortable that is would be worn literally ‘daily’, as in, ALL day. As she slipped the little chap at 7am she was flushed with kink and all was well. By lunchtime she was feeling nausea coming on, by 5pm there was a blurring of sight and her walk home seemed to treble in distance. My mrsW completed her task with determination and a desire to meet my instructions. I was not pleased to hear this, despite her efforts. My ignorance of the product induced pain outside of my own comfort zone and most certainly could have been embarrassing had a paramedic been asked to source the point of pain had she passed out, especially in a small town! I was informed of this in an email from her which contained a picture of the ‘Golden Cock Award’ presented by our sister site, SubMrs. I admit that maybe I should have got the same award for a different reason! All is now in working order and normal service resumed I’m pleased to say.
I close this not unusually long entry by commenting on my return home. The dynamic had shifted in a way that meant we had to take a few steps back and discuss what we will have to do to establish the face to face relationship. We are new to this by comparison and appreciate these hurdles are presented from time to time. The important thing is not just to leap the hurdle but to examine why the leap was successful. The support I get from mrsW is so very valuable and without it I would be unable to support her. My trip away has been both enjoyable and so very educational!
- May 18, 2015 at 10:40 pm #9248
Welcome back sir…
Corsica… That is where Napoleon was from…
You have written a great deal of wisDOM in your follow up response. I hope that many Dominants read this thread in order to learn how the ideas lived out. The lack of details in your instructions that you catalogued for us is not only related to emails left to maintain the atmosphere but rather the entire dynamic. Your submissive will and desires to do exactly what you want of her. When you tell her to kneel and offer no other instructions she will begin to wonder those exact things, even with you in the room with her. As she is kneeling she will wonder what you want her to do within her hands etc..
She doesnt necessarily need that level of control but remember that she is trying to please you. She will begin to wonder what you prefer. Without this specific direction she will begin to feel as though she is not doing something correctly and it begins to diminish her confidence and leave her feeling as tough she has failed you in some way.
This is such an important topic that I am going to stop my reply here and reply regarding the butt plug in a separate reply.
- May 20, 2015 at 12:05 am #9297
Ah the butt plug…
I wanted to address this part of your response separately as I see it as a common error among newer DOMs as well. Your examples are full of wisDOM and should be read by many members. I like the saying that experience is something that you gain from your own mistakes and that wisDOM is what you learn from others mistakes. So what you offer us here is wisDOM…
The first lesson here is introducing ANY new toy when you are not around to witness and comprehend the full effect it is having on your own submissive.
Butt plugs come in a variety of materials shapes and sizes. You will discover that all of those attributes will play a role in how comfortable the particular plug is to wear for different periods of time. lk and I own several different types and styles of butt plugs. I would also say that there aren’t many and maybe not any that she could wear for an entire day.
For myself when I instruct lk to use a butt plug in my absence it is usually for a short period of time and that it’s purpose is the ‘flush of kink’ and control that you spoke of earlier.
I will not continue on the proper use of the plug but I will remind everyone that they should proceed with caution when they are not and or their partner is not familiar with a certain act or experience. It is always better to err on the safe and conservative side than it is to make a mistake. The Dominant is usually damaged more by the event than his submissive.
I would also like to again thank you for sharing the wisDOM of your experience with all of us in the Fox’s Den.
- May 19, 2015 at 4:36 am #9262
I thought it was time I update the situation. We have decided to do away with the 24/7 dynamic as it doesn’t suit what we both want ie one of us wants it and the other doesn’t.
However we do continue to play exclusively with each other so it is working for now.
I just want to say thank you for your responses and suggestions to my questions.
If I find myself in a similar situation I will be sure to write again.
- May 19, 2015 at 11:36 pm #9290
lk and I plan on addressing the 24/7 issue within the dynamic in the near future…
Look for a post regarding 24/7 most likely in June…
- May 25, 2015 at 4:39 pm #9667DaddyParticipantBasic | Dominant
Okay, his lordship… after reading that, it alleviates some of my thoughts about the situation I caused and reflects my suspicion that we are all human.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.