- October 20, 2014 at 10:48 pm #5481
There are rules everywhere you go. Think about it: driving, shopping, going to the park, walking your dog and even standing in a line. These rules are set in place so that members of society can safely and soundly co-exist with one another. At work rules/protocols are all set in place so that the business you own or work for grows and thrives. Why should a relationship be any different? Why should there not rules present for ourselves while we are at home? Would this not make since that it would make a relationship thrive and grow as well?
For this D/s analogy I am going to relate to the process of building a house and building a healthy D/s relationship. My goal here to to write this in a format most men can relate to or appreciate.
The first thing you need to build a house of course are plans. To build something you need an idea, a goal, an end result. In a D/s relationship I consider this to be fundamental and just as necessary as building a house. The plans are needed to layout the specifications: Site Survey plan, Footing plan, Foundation plan, Elevation plans, Electrical plans, Plumbing plans and Roof plans.
Site Survey plan/Acceptability:
In a set of house plans this plan lays out the dimensions and if the concept of building the house is doable on a piece of land provided. This plan related to D/s I like to consider the planting of the seed or acceptability. Whether your sub or the Dom came up with the idea for a D/s relationship, to truly work and flourish both must be on board. Both parties must be willing to participate and put 100% of their time and energy into the relationship. The Dom must be willing to take charge and react accordingly. The sub must truly want/need to submit, to listen and act accordingly. To sum it up, for the relationship to truly work, both participants must both have the need and urge for the change from vanilla to D/s. Without this there’s no need to even try and break ground for your footing.
Under your house the footing is installed so that your house will simply not just sink away. In the beginning of the D/s relationship let’s call this trust. Without trust the D/s relationship will simply encounter problem after problem and will simply sink and start to crumble at the foundation. To start to build trust two partners need to talk about three words: safe, sane and consensual. Without these three essential ingredients to build your footing, a D/s relationship simply cannot exist.
Safe: for your sub to be able to truly give you her submission she needs to feel safe at all times whether bound or not. She needs to know that her best interests are at hand and in your heart at all times.
Sane: is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality. Fictional accounts of BDSM are often distorted for fantasy sake, and are not representative of real situations and relationships.
Consensual: Consensual is respecting the limits imposed by each participant at all times. The difference between violence and BDSM is consent. The same behaviors that might be crimes without consent are life-enhancing and life-changing with consent.
The type and parameters of control are agreed upon by the Dom and the sub, the ongoing consent of all participants are required and must never be broken. In most cases a safe-word is used, which is a designated word that signals the scene must slow down or stop immediately.
Foundation plans/Communication: As with any house you need a strong healthy foundation. In D/s in order to have a working relationship that feeds one another, honesty, communication and trust are the key components to build your foundation together. A very good start is to know what your subs needs/wants are and what her level of submission is. For this you will need to know your sub’s soft and hard limits. Once this list is filled out by your sub it will allow you to be able to create scenes. You will now know what she likes or dislikes, what she wants to explore and it will now give you guidelines and boundaries.
To keep the upmost level of respect and trust in working order, your subs Hard Limits must never be pushed or acted upon. Overtime your subs hard limits may turn to soft limits, as the check list should be re-explored from time to time.
Think of the elevation plans as your actual house structure (walls) and how it will be built. In a D/s relationship this would be considered a contract. A good contract is essential and lays out the expectations if you will. It should consist of the D/s dynamic, rules, protocols, rituals and types of punishments. Both the Dom and the sub should put the contract together. Much care is needed and all aspects of the contract must be understood by both parties. Think in terms of all the nails holding the walls together and the nails are your rules/rituals. Too many nails holding the stud in place will simply weaken the stud. You will chip away at the end of the stud and have nothing left nail too. Not enough nails and your house will fall apart. Every rule or ritual must have a benefit and a reason why it exists for a healthy D/s relationship. You wouldn’t put ten nails in one stud when it only requires three.
In the process of the house being built, it needs to be inspected to make sure that it is up to code during the steps of construction. This is also the same with a D/s relationship. As a Dom, it is your responsibility to always be looking in on things and examining the relationship. This is called “Downtime”. This is the time when the inspector gives a report to halt or resume construction. Downtime is needed to know where your sub is at all times. If things are moving too slowly, too fast, if things need to take a step back and be re-examined or if things can move forward. This time spent with your sub is essential and should be done frequently as with all steps in construction process. During down-time if your sub reports back that changes are to be made, this should not to be taken lightly. Further construction needs to come to a halt until the issues at hand have been dealt with, for the safety of the D/s relationship. This is the time gentleman, when your hardhats come off and your ear-plugs are removed!
To build a house all sub-trades need power to do there jobs efficiently and properly. If a loss of power suddenly happens, workers are forced to shut down. Think of the power lines as they always need to be on. They are constantly feeding a power supply to sources, that require power to work properly throughout your house. This is also true with a D/s relationship. If the Dominant is not consistent with the rules that he has set forth, this will cause the sub to shut down and feel the loss of power need to fully submit to her Dom. The power feeding the sub must always be present and the sub must feel that the power switch is always turned on. This is why in the beginning it is best to start with only a few rules/rituals, as they must always, at all times be enforced. You cannot have power to your house one day and not next. The sub-trade will simply leave and not come back until he/she knows the power supply is adequate and there is consistency.
Plumbing lines are laid throughout your house so you can comfortably live, in fact water is essential for all life. Let’s call these water lines the love in a D/s relationship. We use water in every aspect of life cooking, washing, cleaning and drinking. You name it, we use it for everything! The reason why a sub truly submits is to feel loved, cherished, taken care of, wanted and needed at all times. Just like the lines of water flowing through your house so must the love. Your sub must feel this love, just like she must drink water to survive she needs to feel you have put her on a pedestal. Mr.Fox talks about the D/s circle and how essential it is to feed each other. I think of this as both partners drinking from the same tap. If one partner is off drinking from another tap, both partners are no longer drinking from the same source. That source being each other. They are no longer standing at the same tap drinking, feeding and communicating with one another.
Roof Plans/Vanilla Stress:
Every house has a roof and the roof is designed to shed off the forces of nature. These include wind, rain, sun and the cold. The roof allows us to live comfortably together in our house amongst the warmth and safety we have created. Unfortunately outside forces always seem to work their way in, I will call this vanilla stress. For a true D/s relationship to truly work there would be no outside stress, this would be a perfect world. Unfortunately we do not live in a perfect world. As a Dom it is our responsibility to come up with rituals/rules to alleviate outside stress that are detrimental to obtaining a true D/s relationship. For a sub to be fully submissive, she must be stress-free and only be thinking of her submissiveness to her Dom. It is truly important that the stress of the outside world be left outside,
Now that your D/s structure is built it is time for maintenance and to maintain. All the fundamentals talked about must at all times be present. I have simply broached the subject of basic D/s. Just like building a house or a relationship together, you both have to live with it together, built properly or not.
- October 22, 2014 at 1:04 am #5489Master_KhalParticipantBasic | Dominant
You hit the nail on the head with this analogy!
If I may add one thing… renovation. Just as limits may change over time, rules and rituals (contracts) will evolve with the D/s. It is necessary to make the changes or additions every once and awhile.
Thank you for taking the time to write such a great analogy.
All the best,
- October 22, 2014 at 9:37 am #5490
Yes, you are very right Master Khal.
As the journey of D/s changes, as with the parties involved, the rules/rituals/protocols must change as well.
In time I will write on maintaining the structure and strategies to alleviate set backs that cause wear and tear on a blossoming D/s relationship.
- October 25, 2014 at 5:22 pm #5506Mr. Fox | Founder D/s-MKeymasterPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
Such a wonderful analogy of the lifestyle…
You have done a great job in writing this thread to help guide others…
Pay it forward!
- February 26, 2015 at 11:57 pm #6482Mr.redParticipantBasic | Dominant
A must read for everyone. Glad I came across this. I know my Shea bear will enjoy it and help her understanding more
- August 29, 2015 at 12:33 pm #12266
Thank you for you response!
I am glad I can help You and your Shea Bear sir!
- October 10, 2015 at 5:49 pm #12813FeldarParticipantBasic | Dominant
- September 9, 2018 at 10:30 am #71359StillParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
In Case this post has been lost to time I would like to bring it forward.
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