- April 16, 2016 at 8:28 pm #14138
So my wife and i are Only 2 and some weeks into a 24/7ish, D/s relation and have had some GREAT play times. starting simple, a couple little fun surprises here and there. Couple rewards given, one funishment given for her being snappy and forgetting i have her best in my mind. I had play time set for that night and almost canceled it as too my mind not being focused, due to what she had said to me that day. Like I stated above we are new and learning and growing together as Dom and sub. The only hard part is, im having some troubles with is training. My Angel is a very strong willed and independent woman. There are aspects she is having a hard time giving up, insecurities she wont let go of, my current rules are, when out in public she may not open any doors, i must let her into the door, including car. 2nd she will sit be for i do, and rise only after i do. this is to ensure i will be there to help her sit and help her stand in public. 3rd is 2hrs of wa ball time per day either during cleaning or dinner time. first 2 rules are for only out in public, 3rd is a daily rule. I have a set of tasks she will do when going to play room for play time, and is instructed to keep playroom clean and made daily. Is all this considered training, or is this just a basic D/s starting point. I have read a lot on training and i know to do it, but I have yet to find something kind of lining out some beginning steps for training a sub. Is there a difference in daily life training and playtime training. Any references or tips to shed some light on these concerns would be very helpful. Or just some helpful tips to lend to a new Dom would be great!
- April 19, 2016 at 5:21 pm #14161
insecurities she wont let go of,
These insecurities may be a number of things. As you continue on your journey she may begin to see herself as you see her, beautiful and sexy! Also, insecurities are sometimes a defense mechanism for a lack of real trust.
These are normal for couples that are just beginning their journeys.
It sounds as though you have a pretty good start to a few simple rituals already. You will soon discover that others will develop naturally as you two continue to grow.
Concentrate on communication and being the man or the Dominant that you need to be.
- April 22, 2016 at 12:52 pm #14202
Thanks Mr. Fox for the boost of confidence. I truly appreciate you taking time to address this!
- April 22, 2016 at 6:32 pm #14204
I would love to hear what any of the other experienced Doms, or even newer Doms have done to start off training ideas. And do you have a difference between Playtime training and out of play time training’s?
- April 22, 2016 at 7:20 pm #14207KiloKiloParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
The situation you describe may not necessarily be caused by insecurities, but they may be exacerbating the issue.
Your first rule:
when out in public she may not open any doors, i must let her into the door, including car
What if that is not a rule, but a punishment. A punishment for being in the dynamic at all. To explain imagine:
Your loving spouse asks that you allow her to turn on the water whenever you need. She tells at the BEGINNING that it will make her happy. Now imagine you wait every time you need water and she does it. Sometimes before you need it, usually right when you need it, and occasionally you have to wait a moment because she is busy. How long until you wonder why you need to wait? How long until you wonder why you need to wait and do not remember or believe it pleases her? How long till irk begins to irk you to wait?
Something many people do not know is that it is painful to change a behavior. If you reach for that spigot and flinch back remembering you promised, your brain if feeling a sense of pain. If fact whenever you are stopped from doing what you want to do it is a burden. That is why willpower takes energy. Sometimes people can’t handle it and dropout, but if the impetus is external the may lash out, or try to disassociate (pull back) from the the source of pain and punishment.
To counter act this a reward should applied to any occurrence of the desired behavior. The reward ideally should be be considerable because you are trying to destroy and create a actual physical neurological pathway. Ideally the reward should also be designed to negate any insecurities that may be contributing to the pathway (behavior).
Reward ideas –
Letting her know it pleased you to see her walk in front of you.
Gentle squeeze of the hair on the occipital bone.
Something to reinforce your are pleased. That can be delivered immediately and consistently at the beginning.
P.S. Most people feel any punishment in public is public even if the public does not realize it is happening.
- April 22, 2016 at 11:40 pm #14212
DOM, that is some really deep prying, something i feel will need to be done in my case as well, i appreciate your openness and willingness to share that with us!
KiloKilo, this is a great view into what something my Angel may be feeling. When laying out my rules, she first shot back quick to this rule with a response of ” you know i am very independent and feel this might be too controlling.” I then waited for her to finish her thoughts and restated this is her wanting.(this being D/s lifestyle) Knowing what D/s is and what a 24/7 life style will bring, I then mentioned to her the many times in the years past she had made comments such as ” remember when we dated you always opened the door for me.” With these two points she sounded very confident in the rule and signed off on it. I also said to her, this is to be a consent reminder for myself to put her first ( easy in your own home, Harder in public for me), While teaching my daughters what a true gentlemen should be doing for his love. I will however make sure that i start a reward for her waiting for me to open the door for her. This might be a small piece of the whole pie in training i might be missing. Thank you all for the insight and openness.
I am constantly learning and pushing my self to be better, My Angel is working hard on her self and her views on her self. All this has been very helpful!
- April 29, 2016 at 7:02 pm #14294
In setting a rule your need to have your submissive’s buy-in…
Every time I make a rule I ask lk what she likes about it and dislikes about it. If lk hesitates or doesn’t like the rule I take it off the table, that simple…
- May 2, 2016 at 4:52 pm #14334
That makes sense i have been contemplating the Door rule i have, with 2 kids who need help out of the car I feel Angel wanting to just get right out and kick into mom mode. So tweeking it might give Angel some sigh of relief but she has said more than once she likes being helped in and out. Thinking ill try it this way for a bit and see if Angel responds better with this. (better being she often opens the door then closes it and looks to me in a hurry up manner, but only when getting out of the car, Everything else is golden”
- May 2, 2016 at 8:29 pm #14336
With young children who both need assistance getting into the vehicle it would seem like this particular rule would be difficult.
There may be a few different ways to modify this rule that would better suit your personal circumstances.
Consider that she only waits for you to open the car door for her after the children are already in the vehicle. This would allow both of you the opportunity to manage the children and get them situated in the vehicle prior to her entering.
Or maybe this rule is only in effect when the two of you are traveling alone…
- May 2, 2016 at 9:45 pm #14338AnonymousInactive
We use a modified truck/car door rule at first. After 5pm, she waited. Prior to, she would get out. I don’t know why but that helped ease us in. She never opens her own door anywhere else.
What doesn’t help is my truck has a keypad entry and I don’t like making her wait for me to unlock and come around. We also have the Texas heat to contend with. So I’d rather not put her into a blazing hot vehicle. I unlock and start and g around and help her in after 5. In the heat of the day, she gets in while I start.
Like all things In your personal D/s, you modify as the situation warrants. But we made our rules together. We don’t have many. Easier for me to enforce a few basic over trying to consistently enforce 10+.
- May 3, 2016 at 9:29 pm #14346
thank you all for the input, it helps alot seeing things in views from other Doms. We have talked more on this, and have tweeked it a little. shall see how it goes over the next couple weeks
- May 6, 2016 at 5:55 am #14350PeterUnwilligParticipantBasic | Dominant
Hello Sir Mike,
although I am not very experienced I will share my thoughts. When first introducing D/S I tried to set up rules I liked and try to convince her. She often hesitated but did often enjoy as well. What was the problem.
1.) She didn’t know where we will go exactly. -> Communication
2.) She has a strong personality and her own mind. -> Guide her in her submission / Tell her why you do things, why you want certain things
3.) Rules she is not able to follow accordingly can have devastating consequences! -> Avoid at any cost!!!! (see post scriptum 2 for an example)
So how do I make her love what I want from her?
I grant my Sub “spare-time”. To regulate this we have a phase based D/S 24/7
Everyday starts with Phase 1, doing work and dealing with all vanilla concerns (“her spare time”) This ends whenever I wish, and I wish it to end when I feel she is ready for our play. This may differ from day to day. Usually around 6 p.m. (it drifts towards earlier in the day anyway, so don’t worry about “not having enough play time”)
Whenever we finish, there is a ritual to enter Phase 2. This is the point she can submit to my will. In Phase 2 I could act like Sir Stephen (story of O). In the beginning it was hard for her to accept, but I always took care that she enjoys so she enjoys. With this basis I tried my ideas and whenever I think something fits we discuss/adjust it and implement it as a rule.
We are in the beginning of our journey, but I already figured out that rushing is the worst you can do. Start with rules she totally enjoys, opening doors is nice but you can do this whenever it is possible without setting up a rule – as you are doing being a gentleman anyway I suppose. Give her positive feedback frequently. (Perhaps you can tell her how much you like to open the doors for her. Tell her that this one of your ways showing her that you will take care of her! Doing so will build up a level of trust and will ensure her that you are doing things for her well being. Show her that the rules are to develop your play and to connect you two with a strong bond beyond any vanilla possibilities. In the beginning use rewards (your positive feedback for example) instead of punishments. So she can let go not fearing any consequences. Train her subspace and don’t push it to far. Watch her grow first and provide information whenever needed.
If you want her to make things she does not enjoy but is ok with, the feedback is of absolute importance and should never be left out. I would suggest that you should only use such rules, if her mind is prepared for that and she can really let go in subspace. My sub learnt that pleasing me gives her pleasures beyond anything else. She nearly had an orgasm when waiting for my semen to drop on her body (she dislikes playing with my semen normally)
When I encounter resistance I always try to remember:
“She submits only if she wants to and not when I force her to”
Best wishes and greetings
I try to implement punishments by now (after 5 month officially playing). I told her that I need a feedback system and this how it will be:
We have a box, where she has to put in a coin whenever she “fails”. By now she gets a soft slap on her behind directly. I plan to introduce a ritual before weekend to empty the box (probably spanking with a times x slaps where x is the number of coins collected within the week) and a an arbitrary multiplier to increase intensity later (perhaps you can play with a, haven’t given thoughts on that)
One example to show the power of D/S and “dangerous rules”: In our early play I ordered her not to orgasm and fucked her hard. As always she could not withstand. She had broken a rule so she was punished. The Punishment was inserting a coin in a box to have a record, nothing more, no consequences. Just enough to give her feedback. I didn’t expected what came next. She nearly cried. We had to stop (she was orange at the edge to red). She really thought I might be angry with her and not pleased, what teared her down completely.
- May 6, 2016 at 6:06 am #14351PeterUnwilligParticipantBasic | Dominant
Don’t call it training as it implies that she might not meet your expectations. Perhaps you call it playtime
Having a coin system is a great indicator if she has adjusted to new rules. Normally she will fail often in the beginning. Wait with new rules for the coin-rate to drop to normality (it will take some time to learn what normal is…)
- May 10, 2016 at 7:02 pm #14386
That is some great insight PeterUnwilling. My Angel and i have tweeked the door rule, but it still remains in affect.
We currently do not have any physical punishments. If she does something to displease me, i have taken away her being able to sexually please me for a night, or implemented light impact funishment, (that was mostly in part too knowing that my Angel is liking impact… a lot). Angel and I are fitting into our roles nicely, we will just take the little pleasures the life style is offering, and build as we go.
- May 10, 2016 at 9:19 pm #14388sirParticipantBasic | Dominant
Is taking her ability to sexually please you for the night as a punishment also punishing you at the same time? I personally do not do anything that would punish myself. Secondly a punishment should be swift, to the point and forgiven.
Quite possibly what you could be creating is she might act up just so she does not have to do sexual service that evening, just a thought….
Are you training her in cock warship?
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