This topic contains 11 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  PartsguyM 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #15034
     S4lty 
    Participant

    I hope this is OK, but I would like to use this thread as a sort of mini blog to document my journey into D/s. I have read so many things here that strike home, and maybe through putting my own thoughts down, some one else can find the clarity they are searching for.

  • #15044
     Sir Geppetto 
    Participant

    Basic | Dominant

    I look forward to hearing how you grow and nurture your D/s

  • #15053
     S4lty 
    Participant

    They say hind sight is 20/20. I have heard that all of my life but never really understood it until now. People also talk about the void in their lives, the hole that they cannot fill. I have had that hole for as long as I can remember, but its gone now. As I look back on the last 20+ years of my life with the clarity that can only come from true understanding, I find myself getting angry. I am angry that I never saw what is so obvious to me now. I am angry that no relationship ever had a chance. Angry that I missed out on so much time of pure content and happiness.

    I have always had a dominant personality. Leadership positions at jobs, “god complex” in video games, and just a desire to be in control of everything. all the time. It is no wonder that I have never felt comfortable in relationships when I always set out to please my SO. It was never as satisfying as it should have been. It always felt like something was missing. Being subconsciously DOM, I have always ended up with partners that fell more into the sub category with out even knowing it. Two subs in a relationship will never work out. Its like the blind leading the blind.

    Thank god for my wife. her patience and persistence has finally allowed me to discover what I should have seen all along. That I needed to step up and take control. That I would never be happy if i was not holding the reigns. The confusion of all of this is that she is a strong, intelligent, and independent woman. She is assertive and opinionated, and she has been miserable living that way. Asking her to please me instead of just ordering her around has opened so many possibilities.

    In the last 2 months or so we have discovered these truths about ourselves. We have moved from equality (in the “who has control” department) to the D/s mentality, and we have never been happier. happier not just with our relationship, but overall in our daily lives as well. Other people around us have commented on how much calmer and happier we seem.

    I find it a shame that there is such a social stigma on the lifestyle due to streamline media. The only side of it the general public sees is the whips and chains and pain. They dont get to see what we really experience. The trust, the devotion, the commitment. I want to scream from the roof tops “spank your wife!!!” I am able to see not only where I had been living my life falsely, but where other people I care about are doing exactly what I spent so many years doing. I cant explain it to them any more than some one would have been able to explain it to me before.

    Ill end this entry with one last tid bit… there is power in submission, and a sub is not a weak person, a sub is a strong person looking for some one stronger to guide her!

  • #15072
     S4lty 
    Participant

    The importance of thinking before you dom!

    So we hit a road bump the other day. It was caused entirely by lack of communication and understanding. Being new to this whole world of dominance and submission, clear boundaries have not been fully established. I read a lot of posts on here from some of you guys that make my toes curl in excitement, but I also read a bunch that make me cringe.
    Every couple is going to have a different level of D/s in their dynamic. For some its a “play time” only thing that only takes place behind closed bedroom doors. For others it is a full immersion into control and dominance in every aspect of their lives. As HUS-doms I think that most of us will land some where in the middle. The key for those that want to LIVE d/s as opposed to just playing D/s is to make sure that you and your sub are on the same page.
    The other day I brought up “protocols” to my Sw33t, and her mind took off like a rocket. I was not telling her that I wanted to kick into high gear and institute high or even medium protocol, I was just trying to get a feel for her thoughts on the subject. As the lead, I failed to make that clear up front. I left the door open for her to be anxious and confused as to what exactly the motivation behind my line of questions was. She thought that I was saying that I wanted to institute a strict regimen of rules and guidelines. As a strong and independent woman, this did not sit well with her.
    After two days of me slipping back into what I call my “vanilla” mindset (back to two subs) and feeling the self doubt that has crippled our relationship for the past several years, I called for a “downtime” and hashed out the details of where we are in our journey and where we both want to be. In the bedroom, its no holds bared. anything goes, but outside of the bedroom we are pretty “low protocol” and we are both happy there.
    I run a pretty successful business, and I have done so by making my wants known to my employees, but not micromanaging every aspect of how they go about fulfilling those wants. They know what is expected of them, and they are left to their own devices to make it happen. By applying those same principles at home, I think that we can have a happy and positive D/s relationship.

    The moral to the story is don’t think that because something is working for some one else, that you have to be at the same level. Find what works for your relationship and your dynamic. Be happy in your own comfort at your own level.

  • #15150
     S4lty 
    Participant

    the power of suggestion and Pavlov’s condition!

    A week or so ago I mentioned to my wife the concept of “O” denial and instituted a rule for a “trial period” that she was not allowed to take my “O” with out permission, whether I was home or not. Being new to the lifestyle, and her not fully able to embrace giving complete control yet with out feeling conflicted with what I call her inner femi-nazi”, she initially pushed back.
    Durring our conversation I decided that it would be prudent to back off a bit and adjusted it to her needing to ask permission durring “playtime”. That went over very well, then last night in our downtime discussions, she informed me that earlier in the day she had been doing some “research” and came across something that made her incredibly turned on. She did what any woman with a healthy sexual appetite would do, but stopped herself right before reaching the peak. She said she heard my voice in her head telling her to ask for permission. It made her incredibly hot to stop and wait for me to get home.

    The moral of this part of the story is dont give up on something just becouse it seems like she is not into it. a seed has been planted and she may very well come around to accepting and even loving the idea.

    Now for the 2nd part.

    As a hobby I have fish tanks. I recently finished setting up a 120 gallon live plant tank, and it just finished its initial cycle, making it safe to add more fish to the mix. We went out to dinner, and on the way home stopped at our local fish store to pick up some aquatic roommates. As we were looking for the particular fish we wanted, the music playing in the store started playing one of the songs that is on our “playtime” playlist. in fact it is the first song on the list, making it the one song that she has probably heard the most during our sessions. I started humming and singing along with they lyrics and when I looked over at her she had a strange look on her face. She was all twitchey and biting her lower lip. The arousal from just hearing that song made her have to actually leave the store. On the way home she proceeded to playfully misbehave. she does this a lot in an attempt to get a spanking. We participate in “funnishment” more than punishment, So once we got home i was happy to oblige. Needless to say it turned out to be a pretty outstanding evening.

    I hope this helps us all to realize the depth of the impact something as small as a song playing on the radio can have on our subMrs’s.

  • #15245
     S4lty 
    Participant

    Disappointment and the downward spiral

    So this weekend, we decided to make the oldest kid babysit his younger brother while the Mrs. and I rented a room at a local hotel. After a summer with the kids gone visiting family out of town, the last couple of weeks since their return has been a bit rough and we needed some “us” time. We are still in the process of replacing her wardrobe with some more appealing options, so we spent the morning shopping. Unfortunately in our little town the options we have are limited so we did not have much luck finding anything we both liked. We had approached the shopping trip in a more vanilla mindset than a D/s roll of me picking things and having her try on what I chose. when she came out of the dressing room with out a single new item, I immediately and subconsciously felt disappointed. She of course noticed my disappointment and became unhappy because she felt like she let me down, then I felt bad for letting my disappointment show, which made her feel worse, and the cycle began. It is amazing to me how fast that downward spiral can take over and how easy it can be to slip right back into it.

    We were able to recover by taking a step back, realizing what was happening, and taking the proper steps to meld back into D/s. We went to the hotel, spent a few hours in the lounge watching some horrible singers attempt karaoke, laughed a lot and headed up to our room where our “session” prompted a call from the front desk telling us to keep it down or they were going to kick us out. LOL. Needless to say the weekend ended on a very high note.

    The moral : getting off track does not have to end in disaster. Its never too late to take a step back, take a deep breath, and DOM THE F*** UP!!

  • #15260
     S4lty 
    Participant

    “What if’s” and the Vanilla monster!

    Last night during our routine downtime exploration and discussions, I raised the topic of rules and punishments. I have been trying to work out how to keep myself and my subMrs from inadvertently slipping back into a vanilla mindset between scenes, and the thought of rules came to me. We have not as yet set any real rules or developed any rituals in our day to day lives to assist with keeping the vanilla monster at bay. Neither of us is really sure at this point how to implement punishment anyway. If we came up with mutually consented rules, and one was broken, how would we proceed? Spanking was out of the question, she would break the rule every chance she got just to receive the spanking.
    I brought this up in the chat and Mr.Fox made a great point about implementing rituals instead of rules. Rules should serve a specific purpose or change a specific behavior, while rituals are there to help reinforce the mindset, which is what I was really after. I wanted to discuss this with my Sw33t, but I started off the conversation with “so I was talking on husDom about rules and punishments…… and ::WHAM:: she immediately went off the deep end. She started talking about what if “this” happens or what if “that” happens. My train of thought instantly went to “you don’t trust me enough to not lead us into an unwanted dynamic” needless to say the conversation went to a pretty bad place due to both of us interpreting what was being said instead of listening to what was actually being said. I found myself right smack in the middle of another truly vanilla argument that had led our lives into the crapper for many years.
    I am disappointed to say that we went to bed without resolving the issue (which I never recommend) and set out about our own days in a bad place mentally. I sat at my desk at work and spent several hours compiling a very thought out email to her explaining my own feelings of inadequacy and that I felt there was a lack of trust on her part. I tried to explain to her that just because a lot of people in the D/s lifestyle decide to adopt rules and punishments does not mean that we need to. If, somewhere down the road, we decide that is what we want, we can address it then. There is no point in looking at the possible “what if’s”. In a healthy D/s relationship there are no “what if’s” there is only what IS. Anything else that comes will do so consentualy. It will be discussed and agreed upon before hand and is therefore nothing to worry about. If either one of us is not comfortable with the direction things are going, we will not go that direction.
    After reading my email, she called and we talked, and we are in a much better mental state now. I am looking forward to talking with her this evening and exploring some possible rituals to help keep us from slipping back into the grip of the vanilla monster.

    The moral : several actually, first and foremost, don’t interpret what is being said, LISTEN to what is being said. Don’t let your imagination of what might come to pass keep you from enjoying what is actually happening. Finally, and I know its cliché, but don’t go to bed angry.

  • #71282
     S4lty 
    Participant

    Wow, its been a long time. In my last post, 2 damn years ago, the situation got much worse. That fight actually led to a complete backslide that lasted a very long time. It has only been in the last couple months that we have started once again following the path of the D/s lifestyle. I am once again finding myself in a situation where we are both wanting to move it out of the bedroom and into our daily lives, but not sure how exactly to go about it. She is very strong willed, but WANTS to be dominated. she is also a huge BRAT and will go out of her way to act out in an attempt to force my hand in punishment. We have still not been able to develop rules or rituals. In all honesty, i have to admit that Im a bit afraid to try and go there because of the damage those conversations had in the past. I am happy with the progress we have made in getting back into the D/s lifestyle, but I feel like there is a long ways for us to go still. I was chatting on here with master_alcid, and was able to glean a possible path to move forward from our conversation. Safe words! why have I never thought of the idea of using safewords outside of a play scene? Im going to try something different and see what happens. Instead of discussing possible rituals or rules or protocols, Im just going to tell her that I am taking control and if she truly feels uncomfortable with the way things are going, to use her safeword just as she would if I were pushing too far in a scene. Perhaps this will help her to be set more into the sub mentality. I think approaching from a “you will do as I say” stand point instead of a “how do you feel about this” position, might make more progress. I will try and be more active on here again, and keep every one up to speed.

  • #71289
     Bayowolf 
    Participant

    Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

    How’s it going S4lty? It’s been a week since your post. A lot of us have been off at the gathering. That probably explains the lack of response to your post. Have things changed in the last week?

  • #73121
     PartsguyM 
    Participant

    Basic | Dominant

    Hey S4lty… I hope you’re still around and can offer more insight. My relationship with my with Mrs runs parallel with your posts. I am in control of every aspect of my life, outside of the household. My Mrs says she wants to be dominated, but steps back before she can actually commit to it. I actually just found this site yesterday. Already it has been helpful, mainly in seeing that there are others that are trying to find a way (and a balance) through all this.

    • #73122
       Sir Bee 
      Participant

      Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

      Hello PartsguyM

      Welcome to the site. I am not sure how active some of the older threads can be. If you would like to purpose a question might I suggest doing an introduction in the forums. There is a section for new dominant introductions. Best wishes.

      Sir Bee

  • #73128
     PartsguyM 
    Participant

    Basic | Dominant

    Thanks Sir Bee! I’ll get in there sometime today and introduce myself properly.

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